My Flaws burn

As of late God has been hidden from me, I’m weary of reading and praying when it feels like the door is shut in my face, everyday has been a bleak darkness. Feels like I’m barely awake, slowly fading. My eyes are open but are closing as is. My days are full of darkness, and […]

Deceitful Heart

I’ve been praying earnestly that my heart doesn’t harden, though I know it’s satan lying to me and my own wicked heart I’ve been imagining God as this evil God who is ready to throw his creation into hell. Or wondering why the fall every happened and why let humanity continue if there were going […]

Futility and darkness

Job talked about how his days are swift and spent on futility and darkness. What is my life? I have everything I need but every single day I’m showered with doubt and the flames of hell are ever before my conscience. It’s not even that I want it to be I want to believe the […]

No hope.

The last couple of days I’ve barely been able to get out of bed. I can’t even sleep since I am terrified with lewd nightmares, when I’m awake I want to die. If I had 100% assurance if I could kill myself and still go to heaven I would do it, I’m sick of reading […]

Self Hate.

It’s always been easy to look for the best in others and the worst in myself. It hasn’t changed much over the years, my coping method is to simply not think about myself. I wouldn’t even call it coping but simply suppressing, in a way I don’t want to be me yet I don’t want […]

Waiting For The End

When I was in Jr.High I was playing tap tap revenge in my moms car and there was a song called “WAITING FOR THE END.” By Lincoln Park (I don’t recall if I knew about the band.) I played that song on that app everyday I for some reason felt the pain in the song, […]

The high and the painful sunset

There’s many misconceptions about bipolar, if someone suddenly changes moods that’s typically not always the main symptom. It’s highs and lows I liken the “HIGH” to a strong sense of euphoria (rush of happiness and joy.) I tend to get this high and rush around afternoon and evening, it feels good (they call that mania) […]

Anguish of the soul

Job Chapter 7: “Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. When I say: My bed shall comfort me, My couch shall ease my complaint; Then thou scares me with dreams And terrifies me through visions: So that […]

Burning Rage

“Jonah was greatly displeased and became furious. He prayed to the Lord, “Please, Lord, isn’t this what I said while I was still in my own country? That’s why I fled toward Tarshish in the first place. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger, abounding in faithful love, and […]

What’s The Point

To have no joy in The Lord, no assurance of heaven, no feelings, bleak dark emptiness though you know sin is wrong you can’t even go to the world! It’s all futility, if God would grant my request to cut me off all would be well.